Handler poked fun at the Chinese surveillance balloon that a U.S. fighter jet shot down off the coast of South Carolina on Saturday.
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By Trish Bendix
Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.
I Spy
Chelsea Handler kicked off her week of hosting “The Daily Show” with jokes about the Chinese balloon that a U.S. fighter jet shot down off the coast of South Carolina on Saturday.
Handler said she felt bad for President Biden: “Obama got to order the assassination of bin Laden, and all he gets to do is murder a bag of helium.”
“But, hey, why not shoot it when you have a trillion-dollar defense budget and all of these rock-hard missiles lying around? Trump must be so jealous.” — CHELSEA HANDLER
“And, as you heard, this balloon was the size of three buses. I love measuring things in buses. And for the rich people out there who don’t know what a bus is, they’re those big yellow vehicles that bring Matt Gaetz’s girlfriends to school.” — CHELSEA HANDLER
“What I don’t get is, why does China even need to send this balloon in the first place? They’re already spying on us with TikTok. Is it possible that the Chinese spies became the first people ever to get sick of TikTok? Were they like, ‘I swear to God, if I see one more basic [expletive] make lasagna in a slow cooker.'” — CHELSEA HANDLER
“And, by the way: China, if you’re listening, which you obviously are, next time, why you don’t make your balloon the color blue, so we can’t see it in the sky? Or if you’re going to make it white, at least write ‘the moon’ on it. No one here will know the difference. I certainly won’t.” — CHELSEA HANDLER
“So the balloon went over Alaska, and then it went through Canada and then into U.S. airspace. And, by the way, Canada, thanks for the heads up on that.” — CHELSEA HANDLER
“Canada saw the balloon, and they were like, ‘Oh, look, one of those Chinese lanterns!’” — CHELSEA HANDLER
The Punchiest Punchlines (Big Balloon Edition)
“The only way this balloon could have had a higher profile is if it had its own Instagram account.” — SETH MEYERS
“This balloon did more traveling than a high school senior taking a gap year before college. True story: It already has diamond medallion status on Delta.” — SETH MEYERS
“Just to screw with Fox News, Biden should have announced that he was inviting the balloon to appear in this year’s Thanksgiving Day parade.” — SETH MEYERS
“The balloon floated from Montana to South Carolina. Somehow it got across the country faster than someone flying Southwest.” — JIMMY FALLON
“But the U.S. really didn’t have a choice. The only other option was to rub the balloon on Bernie Sanders and stick it to Canada.” — JIMMY FALLON
“On the bright side, from now on when your kid’s birthday balloon pops and they’re upset, you can just go, ‘No, it was a Chinese spy balloon, Timmy. The Chinese can’t spy on us anymore, you’re a patriot!’” — JAMES CORDEN
The Bits Worth Watching
James Corden shared his thoughts on Grammys fashion on Monday’s “Late Late Show.”
What We’re Excited About on Tuesday Night
The comedian Tig Notaro, who stars in the film “Your Place or Mine,” will appear on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”
Also, Check This Out
She may not have walked away with Album of the Year, but Beyoncé broke the record for most Grammy victories ever after adding four more trophies on Sunday.
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