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Impeachment in a Pear Tree
The former U.S. ambassador to Ukraine William Taylor testified on Tuesday as part of the House’s impeachment inquiry into President Trump. Taylor described to lawmakers what he saw as a scheme to pressure the Ukrainian government into providing the president with political help in exchange for American security aid.
“Do you understand what this means? We finally have solid evidence of the crime that Trump and his chief of staff have already confessed to committing on camera.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“When he was a businessman, Donald Trump never paid anyone. Although, this time he might because it’s not his money — it’s ours.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Now Democrats say the impeachment might take longer than expected because each witness keeps providing even more leads. So basically, Trump’s legal strategy is commit so many crimes they can never finish the investigation. [as Trump] ‘They’re almost done? Tell Don Jr. to rob a bank.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“House Democrats originally thought they could hold an impeachment vote as early as October, but now it might extend into Christmas. An impeachment vote in December? It really is the most wonderful time of the year. In fact, the Hallmark Channel has already jumped on it with yet another new holiday movie, ‘Impeachment in a Pear Tree.’” — JAMES CORDEN
The Punchiest Punchlines (‘Lynching’ Comment Edition)
“President Trump was widely condemned on social media this morning after he claimed Democrats are treating impeachment proceedings like a lynching. When asked about the criticism, Trump said, ‘Wow, now I know how Jesus felt on the cross.’” — SETH MEYERS
“After President Trump this morning compared impeachment proceedings to a lynching, Senator Lindsey Graham defended Trump saying, quote, ‘This is a lynching in every sense.’ And if there’s one-word Lindsey Graham shouldn’t be using it’s ‘sense.’” — SETH MEYERS
“Look, the reason you’re comfortable comparing your situation to a lynching is because you value black people so little that, in your mind, a black person dying is equal to your slight discomfort. Well, you know what causes my slight discomfort? Listening to you breathe. It’s like you’re breathing through a hole humans don’t have.” — AMBER RUFFIN
“Now, it’s no surprise Trump is a racist because his dad was a racist. His dad was arrested in 1927 near a Klan rally. Now, that doesn’t prove that he was in the Klan, but if you see me near a Cinnabon, it not ‘cause I love waiting in line.” — AMBER RUFFIN
“At this rate, Trump’s going to lose all three of his black supporters.” — JAMES CORDEN
The Bits Worth Watching
To celebrate guest Jessica Biel’s seven years of marriage to Justin Timberlake, Jimmy Fallon pulled out an old interview where the actress said she doesn’t listen to ‘N SYNC.
What We’re Excited About on Wednesday Night
Ronan Farrow will stop by “The Late Show” to talk about his new book, “Catch and Kill.”
Also, Check This Out
Demi Moore, Julie Andrews and Carly Simon all have new memoirs, each with different levels of candor.
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