Matt Heath: Why little dogs are better than big ones

OPINION:

A friend of mine is getting a puppy. His kids want a giant breed. The following is my small dog pitch.

I’ve owned dogs of many sizes.

My childhood best friend was an enormous, bloodthirsty French sheepdog. A complete a-hole who went by the name Montigue De Dominique. A nasty b****** who tried to kill anyone who visited the farm.

He bit my grandmother on the forehead, maimed three whippets and held my sister’s boyfriend hostage behind the barn for an hour. He jumped through a glass window chasing a fly, scratched up my uncle’s new Nissan Skyline and destroyed a dozen gumboots on the neighbour’s porch. One day he escaped and chased a goat called Goat through a fence into a local plant nursery. Goat ate more than $3000 worth of export plants that day. Mr Donaldson wasn’t happy.

Monty stood 70cm at the shoulder, weighed 68kg and smelt like rotten oysters mixed with turds. I loved that dog. His grave is still the most emotional hole I’ve dug. I miss Monty to this day. His middle name plus 69696969 is still my password.

Our current dog Colin is the opposite of Monty. He is small and doesn’t have a taste for human flesh yet. He doesn’t bite or bark, and even if he did, no one would care. He’s too wimpy to worry anyone. Colin is all love and loyalty with no hassle.

The only downside is the humiliation you feel appearing in public with him. Colin is too small for a man my size, and his mother dresses him in a bow tie and watermelon collar. I’ve had big and small now, and I know what I prefer. Little dogs cost less to run, live longer, fit through cat doors, don’t kill or maim, and their logs are a pleasure to dispose of.

If you get a big dog, prepare to say goodbye to them sooner. Dogs from bigger breeds have short lives. The small breeds live 12 to 14 years; larger breeds only 8 to 10; the giant breeds, just five to eight years. That’s way too short.

Dogs are the happiest, friendliest members of your family. When they go, they leave a hole in your life. You will fall in love with any dog you get, so you want it around for as long as possible. Colin is only 6, and I am already freaking out about his demise. I need 20 years minimum out of that guy. The big guys leave us too soon.

If you get a large dog, prepare to get up in the middle of the night. Dogs are always wanting in and out of the house. No cat door can take your bull mastiff or chow chow. If you make a flap large enough for a big dog, pesky people will steal your stuff. That’s why you want a small doggie with an exit.

If you get a big dog, prepare for punishing daily walkies. Little dogs have tiny legs. You don’t have to go very far to make them tired. My dog gets shagged climbing the stairs to his food bowl.

Dogs create the third most disgusting leavings on earth (after humans and cats). Small dogs lay small dogs eggs – big dogs lay human-size turds. Which would you prefer to deal with?

Big dogs will punch you in the nuts, then jump up and eat your Big Mac out of your hand while it’s still in its box. (This happened to me just last century).

Everyone should have a dog. Whatever their size, life is better with a doggie. They’re loyal, happy and always ready to party. If you are excited, they are excited. You can get as much love from a small one as a big one, with so much less hassle.

So if you want a dog that eats nothing, makes its own way outside, creates minimal mess and lives forever – you want a wee one like my Colin.

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