As a queer, plus-size woman living in New York City, online dating comes with its own set of challenges. No matter what dating app I’m using—Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid—my experience is almost always the same.
Sometimes I’ll receive an opening message like “hey fattie” or “why would anyone want to date you?” Other times, my matches make the assumption that I’m desperate or down to hook up purely based off of my size. But the majority of the time, matches give me the impression that I should feel “grateful” to have been swiped on in the first place.
This happens almost exclusively in my interactions with heterosexual men, and it’s majorly triggering. I had gotten to the point where I’d given up on thinking I could find anything meaningful on the apps at all. But then one night, I randomly stumbled upon a whole list of dating apps specific for plus-size people.
These apps are marketed for people with body types like mine, which is made obvious with what they’re called: Plusr, Curvy Dating, BBW Dating, Chubby, WooPlus, and BBW Plus Singles. Even though this kind of gave me the ick, I thought that perhaps on an app made specifically for plus-size people like me, I could have a more inclusive experience.
I decided to download WooPlus—mainly because it was the least offensive-sounding one. When I logged in, its interface reminded me of a really low-budget Tinder. There was a swiping component and you had to match with people in order to start talking to them. You could also set your preferences to women or men, but not both, so I decided to try out the “men” section.
Because WooPlus doesn’t have the same volume of users as, say, an app like Tinder, the options were extremely limited. My preferences were set to a 50 mile radius around NYC, but I still matched with men from out of state, which was annoying, but whatever.
As I started swiping through the different profiles, I was, well, unimpressed. One guy’s profile said he was “looking for someone with all the curves and is a freak at the drop of a hat.” Another read “big girls are just more to love.” One said “I want my partner to be thick, curvy, cuddly and warm. And could turn her freak on when called upon.” Not a great start.
After matching with around 20 people, the messages started to come in, and I noticed the conversations followed the same familiar pattern. I would ask my matches how their day was or about their profession, and then, boom! Things went from zero to creepy in no time at all.
These strangers, who I matched with only moments earlier, asked me about my breast size, requested nudes or videos of myself masturbating, or if I was down to meet right away.
When I declined, the harassment started. One user said I should feel “happy” someone is paying attention to me. Another insinuated that I wasn’t grateful for actually matching with someone who wanted to sleep with me.
“These apps make it easier for men to find bodies like mine to fetishize in the first place.”
Clearly, these apps were no better than “normal” dating apps. In fact, WooPlus might have just made it easier for men to find bodies like mine to fetishize in the first place.
I deleted the app from my phone after a week. It was clear that while this app marketed itself as “inclusive,” it enabled men looking to sexualize bigger bodies and prey on the women who inhabited them.
And while I understand that apps like WooPlus are attempting to offer plus-sized people more options, I believe they’re actually doing more harm than good. Not only did the app allow users to perpetuate the harmful and offensive stereotype that plus-size women are only desirable for their bodies, but it also made me feel worse about myself—even more so than generic dating apps.
I had come on the app looking for a genuine connection and left feeling like I was doing something wrong because I didn’t want to engage with these men’s sexual advances.
Nowadays, there are dating apps for everything and everyone. Really into BDSM? There’s an app for that. Want to find a threesome? There’s an app for that. And hey, maybe they do succeed in creating a community-based platform filled with like-minded people. But the fact that WooPlus and other plus-sized apps emphasize someone’s physique as the selling point—or the basis of a potential relationship—that’s problematic. Being plus-sized on these apps made me a target.
So what can we do? I’m not sure. I don’t know what the solution here is. Maybe for me, it’s to delete all of the apps and try to meet people “organically.” Because I’d really rather do that—or anything else, really—than spend more time on a dating app that allows users to assume my value because of the size of my body. It’s just not worth my time.
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