DEAR DEIDRE: I’M being punished by my husband for kissing another guy ten years ago, when we were first married.
He now thinks he’s getting even by having sex with other women. But we’re not in an open marriage — it’s just nasty revenge.
We’ve been married for 11 years. I’m 34 and he’s 37.
When we first married, I was young and immature and I felt quite insecure. One weekend, I went to a friend’s party alone.
I got drunk and ended up kissing another guy. I never slept with him and I never saw this guy again. It meant nothing.
I didn’t tell my husband about it until last year. I mentioned the stupid kiss, and it seemed so insignificant I think I even laughed about it.
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But my husband went mad. He accused me of cheating on him, of being a liar and making a mockery of our whole marriage.
He then walked out for a month and refused to speak to me. I was beside myself.
Since returning, he seems to have gone completely off the rails.
He’ll tell me he’s going to the pub with a friend, and then return the next morning looking dishevelled, clearly having had sex with someone else.
He messages other women on his phone without hiding it.
As far as he’s concerned, I’m getting my just desserts and there’s nothing I can say.
I made a silly mistake, years ago, and I have apologised for it. I’ve been a faithful wife ever since. I don’t deserve to be treated like this. It’s so cruel.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re right in that you don’t deserve this treatment. But by tolerating it, you are punishing yourself too.
He’s clearly very hurt and angry, but it can’t excuse his cheating. Two wrongs don’t make a right.
Make it clear to him that you’re not in an open marriage and need to redraw the boundaries of your relationship, which has become very destructive.
Ask him if he wants to stay with you. If he does – and you want that too – then you need to work together on dealing with the past and repairing your marriage .
My support packs Relationship MOT and Cheating: Can You Get Over It? will be helpful for you both to read together.
And you would both benefit from seeing a relationship counsellor. Contact Tavistock Relationships. See tavistockrelationships.org, or call 020 7380 1960.
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