Holy s***, it’s exactly two years since I found the lump on January 6, 2018.
It was a Saturday and so I couldn’t be seen by anyone until the Monday 8.
These dates are imprinted into me now. Monday came around and by that time, I had googled myself into a certain death.
I knew it was back, I just desperately wanted to be wrong. I felt like a little girl again, a terrified rabbit in the headlights.
The breast care specialist nurse told me as I cried that the lump did feel like an enlarged lymph node.
'Stars like Danny Dyer came out to surprise me – and I was blown away'
Worrying about paying for cancer treatment must never be an option – vote Labour
I asked if it was back, would I be incurable…desperate for someone to say “Roisin, don’t be silly”, but they didn’t.
They sent me into the same room I’d been in almost three years earlier and I begged and begged and begged the consultant to “please please don’t let it be back”.
Told him I had a baby, she was just three and she needs me.
The consultant was truly devastated to say the words I so desperately did not want to hear – "I’m so, so sorry, Roisin.”
At the time, I truly didn’t think I would be here today.
'Fear of cancer is horrific – but nothing compared to the fear of telling my little girl I'm dying'
'Chemo robs you of your reflection as the head staring back at you isn't your own'
Hell followed and I remember being back in the room when they told me that they were no longer able to look at curing my cancer, just managing it.
I screamed, my throat clenched and my hands clammed. I begged and begged again.
Through my tears I sang them the song that I sing to Ivy every morning “Wakey wakey rise and shine, it’s wee wee, poo and breakfast time”.
I asked them who would sing to her now and asked how the hell could I leave her?
I pleaded harder than I’ve ever pleaded in my entire life for them to be wrong, for them to tell me it would all be fine. But they couldn’t.
'I begged my husband to have me sectioned after I slipped and almost dropped our baby'
'Breast cancer doesn't care who it kills but you can take action to save your life'
This time of year feels difficult for me, wondering will it be my last ever Christmas?
Remembering the mental pain we all went through and reliving every single step of my re-diagnosis.
Sometimes things pop into my head that I thought I’d forgotten – the sadness of the breast nurses faces who were outside the room I’d been uncontrollably sobbing in.
I’d come to know them all so well since my original diagnosis and I felt like they were always rooting for me. They rubbed my arm and touched my hand as I left.
I look at life then and now, two years on and I still need to pinch myself. I’m HERE!
'I couldn't bring myself to look at the hospice – but now I think it's wonderful'
'Cancer forced me to have my breasts removed just three days after giving birth'
I recently had another clear scan, I’m still having chemo and will be for the rest of my very long days.
Yep, it’s bloody harddddd to juggle life, children, finances and illness but it’s a juggle I’ll jiggle for as long as I can!
Here I am writing a column for the DAILY MIRROR, being nominated for BBC awards and running my own little online business www.fightypants.com
I’m still spreading the word on breast cancer and fundraising for Cancer Research UK. Who knows what big challenge this year will bring? Watch this space.
This year I am getting married!
'Cancer has taught me to take care of my body – it really is a temple'
'Life doesn't return to normal after incurable cancer diagnosis – and I'm glad'
My sister who is also in remission from breast cancer will be back from Australia to be my maid of honour obvs.
I am trying to grow my hair back – again! I want to get super fit to help counteract the chemo and reduce my re-recurrence risks so I’m going all guns blazing into 2020.
For people going through this storm, maybe you’re just starting out and maybe you’ve been weathering the storm, like me for years.
Just remember if there is hope, you will be able to always keep going.
Be your own advocate, don’t just take your consultants word for it.
Get a second opinion, look at alternative therapies, nutrition information and exercise. You will feel EMPOWERED like me and you WILL kick ass.
Sometimes I’m still that terrified rabbit in the headlights, looking for someone to tell me I’ll be OK but most of the time, I’m here for you little rabbits to tell you, you WILL be okay.
Sending love and cancer fighting powers to each and everyone of you.
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