Learning your partner has been unfaithful can be soul destroying, and for this reader the situation has been made all the more difficult.
Despite her husband saying he wants to make their marriage work for the kids, he’s continuing to see his other woman – and even told his wife his mistress is ‘dynamite in bed.’
Our reader still loves her husband, but the stress is becoming too much, causing her to lash out.
Before you go, read last week’s dilemma, where a reader shared how he’d met a gorgeous girl – but he couldn’t last more than 30 seconds in bed.
The problem…
I’ve recently found out that my husband is having an affair and the constant stress is leading me to a breakdown.
We’ve been married nearly ten years and are both in our mid thirties. We have two daughters aged six and eight, who absolutely adore their dad.
He has admitted that this woman dotes on him and will do anything for him, and during a row he shouted at me that she is dynamite in bed. I cried myself to sleep and can’t stop thinking about them together.
I’ve threatened to kick him out but he doesn’t want to go because of the children, so he said he wanted to try and make our marriage work. He promised not to see her any more, but within weeks he started acting strangely again. I got a friend to follow him when he said he was off to play golf and sure enough, he went to this woman’s house.
I went round there and completely lost it. I was screaming outside and broke the wing mirrors off her car, which resulted in the pair of them running out, her saying she was going to call the police, and him saying he’d pay for the damage and shouting at both of us. It was bedlam.
Now he has told everyone that I’m nuts, which I’m beginning to think I am. I’ve started sleeping in the spare bedroom, but he is still saying he wants to save our relationship because of the kids. Despite everything, I still love him.
Laura says…
Poor you, I’m not surprised you feel on the verge of a breakdown. But don’t let his appalling behaviour drive you to do crazy things; instead, you need to get this horrible situation sorted out as a matter of urgency.
When kids are involved, I often urge people to try to save their marriage, just because I know how damaging it can be when parents split up. But in your case, I think that staying together is probably damaging the children more. They must pick up on the atmosphere between you, or the fact that you no longer sleep together, and this ‘halfway house’, where you’re not really together and not quite apart, must be stressful for everyone.
I know that in an ideal world, you would love to save your relationship, and he has also said he wants to make things work. Does he though? As a last resort you could try couples counselling to see if there is anything left to be saved, but it can’t be at the cost of accepting his affair.
Although it doesn’t seem like it now, life might be better without him; but if you do end up separating, you’ll need urgent legal advice. The courts can protect your home until your youngest reaches 18, though things can be complicated if you rent. You’ll need to make an appointment with either Citizen’s Advice, or preferably a good lawyer, as soon as possible.
It’s vital that you look after your mental health, too. Enlist the support of friends and family, or see your GP about talking therapy while you go through this difficult time.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
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