DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband has been having an affair for five years while I’ve had two kids by him, yet he claims it was purely sexual, nothing personal.
I found out three years ago when the other woman sent him a picture on Snapchat that I found on his phone.
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I challenged him and he admitted it.
He said it began with an online game two years earlier but then they started messaging privately and ended up meeting for sex.
I am 28, he is 32, and we have been together for ten years.
At the time I had just found out I was pregnant with our first baby.
He was happy about becoming a dad and promised to end the affair but I now know they kept meeting for sex after our daughter was born.
I had our son, 18 months later.
I was exhausted and for a long time didn’t question that my husband never pressured me for sex.
But last week the penny dropped.
He was supposed to be working late but his boss called the house looking for him as a problem had cropped up.
Next chance I got I went through my husband’s phone and found all his sexual chats with this other woman.
As well as meeting they exchanged nearly 300 sexy messages in six months.
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I confronted him and he is devastated.
He can’t deny it but claims he did it to get a sexual thrill, that there were no ties and no expectations.
He told me it was not a regular thing and it was nothing personal.
He is a great dad and he says he has never stopped loving me and would never leave me.
He is begging for forgiveness.
He promises it is over and wants me to give him a second chance.
He deleted all the evidence, he says because he thought that was the right thing to do, but as he was deleting it I saw that he messaged her, to say he was caught.
I am in total turmoil.
I am constantly reliving it and struggling with the duration of it all.
I do not know what to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: You have two children together so it is worth giving him a chance to prove that his promises are not just empty words, that he really wants to be with you and only you.
Make it clear to your husband, though, that this is his very last chance.
If he ever cheats on you again, whether it is online or in person, your marriage will be over.
My e-leaflet, Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you work through this difficult phase.
Obviously he will need to be totally transparent with you about his arrangements and give you full access to his phone.
Tell him that if it was a sexual thrill he was looking for, he should take a bigger share of looking after the children, so you aren’t so tired and have more energy for sex with him.
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