In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.
With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.
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Dear Lala,
Recently I started speaking to a guy on Hinge and we seemed to have hit it off. I did a bit of a background check and he seemed legit on LinkedIn/Facebook etc and so it tallied with his Hinge profile. We messaged for a few weeks and even shared some phone calls, and it was great. We decided to meet up for a drink and everything went well, we spent hours talking away as we had so much in common.
After the date ended, I messaged to say it was lovely to meet him and I thoroughly enjoyed our time together. He messaged the same back. A couple of days later I messaged to see if he would like to meet up again – he said yes, perhaps later in the week and then went quiet. I felt he was getting quite distant and my gut was telling me he was ghosting me. I messaged again just to check in…. no reply from him. So, I thought ‘ok that’s me done with him’, if he was really interested in meeting up then he would make more of an effort.
A few days later, whilst swiping on both Bumble and Tinder, I came across his profile pictures. However he was using a different name and his age was 5 years younger than on his Hinge profile. This really threw me, although at this point my contact with him had ended, I was quite shocked to see he has these other profiles, even lying about his profession too.
I reported the profiles when I saw them because I knew instantly he was scamming people, but I can’t help but feel really freaked out, more so because how can someone do such a thing? How many women was he playing around with? Did I miss the signs? I know I should be thankful that the universe made sure it didn't work out, but I feel so unmotivated to use dating apps again. I really thought he was being quite genuine and I feel nervous getting back out there. What should I do?
Lala says…
Welcome to dating in 2022. It's a hot mess, and if you’re going to participate then you have to be prepared to go on dates that don’t work out, to face rejection, and to encounter some weirdos. It’s par for the course unfortunately. Which is why I don’t recommend dating when you feel lonely, desperate, or when your self-esteem is low.
Dating can be really brutal, and it can take a bit of a thick skin to not internalise all the failed encounters or to see the rejections as meaning that you're unworthy or unlovable. It’s important to know that you aren’t alone in these experiences and that it’s not personal. It’s a symptom of the rise of dating apps and social media.
Looking at the way that you handled the initial situation I’d say you’re doing pretty well. You did your due diligence by checking him on Linkedin and Facebook prior to the date. You noticed quickly that he was slow fading and eventually ghosting and you acted. You didn’t chase him, or collapse into an emotional wreck when you realised that he didn’t want more dates. You dealt with it perfectly.
In terms of these other profiles, my first thought was ‘Are you sure he’s not being catfished?’ The fact that you verified him on Linkedin and met him in person means that it’s likely that you were dealing with the real man. Maybe someone used his pictures and created a string of fake profiles and he has nothing to do with them. Or maybe he really is a big dating app scammer who uses his fake profiles to catfish women, maybe he’s a lunatic who de-frauds potential dates. If so, he didn’t actually scam you, did he?
Maybe he intended to but realised you were too savvy, who knows? The point is – nothing happened. He left you alone. Catfishing is rife on dating apps. Some catfishes are lonely, unconfident people who are using other people's pictures because they fear that nobody will be attracted to their own. Some are fraudsters and scammers who catfish with the intention of stealing money from their victims.
Anyone who uses dating apps will come across catfish profiles at some point. Here are a few things you can do to spot them:
• Look out for pictures that look too perfect, people who look like models and where all the pictures look super posed.
• Verify their identity via social media. If they say they don’t have social media, then it’s a bit of a red flag – especially if they have perfect Insta looking pictures on their profile. If they do have social media, make sure it looks legit. Check for tags or comments from real friends or family. Make sure their followers don’t look like they’re all people they’ve met on dating apps. And google them too!
• Ask to have a video call before meeting up – if they keep stalling or giving excuses for why they can’t, it’s a red flag.
• If they start giving sob stories that involve them needing money for an emergency, you need to run. Any early discussions about money are a red flag.
You will run into catfishes on dating apps, you'll probably go on more dates that don’t work out, you’ll probably get ghosted again, but you might also have a lot of fun, you might meet someone and have amazing dates, you might make friends or fall in love. The possibilities are endless. If you’re afraid of the apps, then take a break for a bit andread my book! Obviously, I’m bias, but I believe that it will really help you on your dating journey. As long as you are armed with confidence and knowledge then you will be OK. You will spot the red flags – the only thing you have to do is act on them!
READ MORE:
‘I still love my ex and he wants me back but I can’t forget how he dumped me’
‘I’m 46, I don’t know how tell my daughter I’m dating her 23-year-old friend’
‘Dear Lala, my fiancé of five years walked out on me – am I wrong to be so hurt?’
‘Dear Lala, my husband left me for a younger model – am I too old to be sexy at 45? ’
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