No, you’re not going mad: The Mind Doctor MAX PEMBERTON reveals seeing the ‘ghosts’ of those you’ve lost is just proof of the power of love
- UK’s Dr Max Pemberton opens up about the brain’s methods of coping with grief
- READ MORE: The science that proves grief can damage your body as well as your mind
The brain is an extraordinary organ. It is the most complex object in the universe. Is it any wonder that, for some people in the midst of grief, it can bring back those who have died?
I was fascinated to read in the Mail Santa Montefiore’s account of seeing the spirit of her late sister, Tara Palmer Tomkinson, sitting on her bed, and the subsequent flurry of reports last week from readers who had also ‘encountered’ a loved one after they had died.
I, too, have spoken to many patients over the years who have described seeing, hearing or feeling people after they’ve gone.
Bereavement hallucinations, where people see dead loved ones, are a surprisingly common response to grief. It’s something we tend not to talk about for fear of being ridiculed or thought mentally ill.
In fact, many patients have asked me if what they’ve experienced is a sign they are ‘going mad’. Thankfully, I’m able to reassure them that they’re not, that these sort of sightings are actually regarded as quite normal.
Dr Max Pemberton says he was ‘fascinated’ to read in the Mail Santa Montefiore’s (pictured) account of seeing the spirit of her late sister, Tara Palmer Tomkinson
Studies show that between 30 and 50 per cent of people who have lost their spouse experience at least one hallucinatory episode in which they see their loved one.
Research in Japan showed that 90 per cent of widows there experienced them.
Most common is a simple sighting of the dead person and, sometimes, it’s only a fleeting glimpse. Others say they see the person in great detail and even have conversations with them.
Still others simply experience a ‘presence’, a strong perception that the person is there with them. Far from being frightening or scary, people tend to find these hallucinations incredibly comforting, and this is the key to understanding what’s going on.
Of course, some look for a spiritual explanation, but from a psychological perspective, it seems to me fairly clear-cut.
Seeing a dead person is a form of wish-fulfilment, the brain’s way of giving the bereaved person what they so desperately want, which is just a little longer with the person they’ve lost.
It is actually a very moving phenomenon.
It’s important to state these experiences are not pathological; they are not an illness that needs treatment. They are a normal consequence of having loved someone dearly.
Dr Max, pictured, says: ‘I, too, have spoken to many patients over the years who have described seeing, hearing or feeling people after they’ve gone’
For me, these tricks of the mind in response to the pain of bereavement are testament to the power of love.
Evidence suggests that anyone can experience these visions, but they are more likely to occur after a sudden or traumatic death, a suicide, or after the death of a child.
Those with complex feelings towards the bereaved (such as a love/hate relationship) are also more likely to have them than those whose relationship was more straightforward.
SANTA MONTEFIORE reveals how six months after her death, she woke up to find her beloved sister’s spirit sat on her bed in a touching reunion
In the past, they were considered a defence mechanism, a form of denial. People simply didn’t want to believe their loved one had gone, went the theory, so they mentally ‘willed’ them back into existence.
But more recent thinking suggests that actually they can be beneficial. They are part of the complex psychological healing process that takes place after someone dies.
Rationally, the mind knows the person has gone, yet the emotional ties are still strong.
People often worry that by accepting a death, they are losing their connection to the dead person. The hallucinations are a way for the mind to comfort itself and redress the balance as it gradually acknowledges the truth of what has happened.
Psychologists tend to view the experience as evidence the brain is working through grief, allowing the mind to experience the person again while processing their absence.
I remember seeing one old man whose wife of 50 years had died six months before. He was brought in early one evening having had a heart attack, yet soon after plans were made for him to be admitted to hospital, I was called because he was desperate to be discharged.
Eventually, he confided that he wanted to go home because he would miss his wife. I checked the notes and it was clear he was a widower. He then explained that, every night, just before he went to bed, he would see her.
Sometimes they would talk, and other times she would just sit and smile at him while he remembered their life together.
He was worried that if he spent the night in hospital, he wouldn’t see her and she might stop coming altogether.
While medicine attempts to explain things as a set of biochemical pathways and neurological processes, sometimes the human experience is more complex than that reductive approach allows.
His visions may well have been a clever trick played on him by his brain, and easily explained by neurochemical interactions.
But at that moment, I could only see them as a touching testament to the love he had for his wife.
Enduring agony of betrayal
Actress Tamzin Outhwaite, 52, has said that, ten years after the end of her marriage to actor Tom Ellis, she is still uncovering more ‘infidelities and lies’. I have spoken to so many people who have had the same experience. It’s one thing to discover a betrayal and for your marriage to break down as a result.
But it’s the gradual, steady revelation of lie after lie that so many people find emotionally exhausting.
It makes it incredibly difficult to move on when you feel there’s more you need to uncover to understand what happened. I think this is why some people defiantly refuse to come clean.
They know, deep down, that it keeps the other person tantalised and tormented and, therefore, close to them. It means they still have power over them. What an unpleasant thing to do.
If you’re on the other side, ask your partner to tell you everything once, then try to leave it behind you. Moving on emotionally is the best form of revenge.
I love that Susanna Reid is told off by her children for breaking one of the house rules — using her mobile phone at the dinner table. Good for them. I often advise parents to ban mobile phones from the dining table, but time and time again, children report it’s the parents who break the rule, not them!
Thinking back 15 or 20 years ago, just as the internet revolution took off, we were convinced it would make us more connected and improve communication.
We thought it would free us, and in fact it has imprisoned us. It’s actually curtailed and limited our communication because we all increasingly interact through text or email. Has anyone ever really felt better for spending 30 minutes of their lives on Facebook? No.
All too often those hours we spend online make us insecure, guilty, and focused on ourselves rather than the world around us.
Are tiny blood clots the cause of long Covid? New research says they may be. I’ve been surprised by the number of older people who have reported memory issues after Covid, and whose brain scans then show small infarcts, or blood clots. Coincidence or another consequence of the infection?
DR MAX PRESCRIBES…
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