I was on my way to work when the calI finally came – I had been granted care of a foster child, and he would arrive at my house within 40 minutes.
I turned the car around straight away, rushing to the nearest supermarket to grab some food, underwear, a toothbrush and nightwear for a 10-year-old boy I’d never met.
I had initially imagined myself being placed with a younger child, and although I had lots of equipment at home, I suddenly panicked that it might be a bit juvenile or too small for him.
I was incredibly nervous and worried that he wouldn’t like me.
Tom* was surprisingly calm at first.
As I showed him around, he asked questions about me and my pets, and I presented him with the ‘welcome book’ I’d created, full of family photographs and descriptions of our family and home.
But suddenly, as he went to get his things from the car, the enormity of the situation hit. Tom started to cry and even threw up.
He had been in foster care for most of his life, and had just left a house where he had stayed for a long time due to his foster parents’ circumstances having changed. Tom thought that we were playing a trick on him, and that he would soon be returned.
His pain and confusion was hard to witness, and I felt helpless.
So I did the only thing I could think of and tried to make him feel as safe as possible. I wrapped him in a big blanket, got him a drink and put a nature programme on the TV, which was apparently one of his favourite things.
The social worker and I had a quick chat, and then it was just the two of us.
I have always loved having a house full of kids; while some people are put off by the noise and the mess, I find it comforting. I’m part of a large family, and live just down the road from my parents and my sister, who also has children, and I have several grandkids, too.
But with my own children still at home, there was a lack of bedroom space and the timing wasn’t right to start fostering – until last year.
I was now living on my own, having split from my children’s father long ago, and the silence in the house was deafening. I finally signed up.
I already had an agency in mind, called Fosterplus, and gave them a call to start the rigorous process.
What followed was an in-depth look into my life, with endless questions about everything I’d ever done – from where I went to school and university to everything in-between and up until this point. I also had to get character references from jobs and people I hadn’t seen in decades (including my ex-partner).
At times, I found the process intrusive and emotional, so much so that at one point I considered if I should continue – but I understand why the agency has to do this.
Once all information had been collected, I was invited to meet with a panel of eight people, who asked me a series of questions on how I’d deal with certain situations that might come up, such as: ‘Who would support me when life is stressful?’ and ‘How would I manage working part-time and fostering?’. A young person also asked: ‘If I had low self-esteem how would you help me?’ It was very intimidating.
A week later, I’d been accepted as a foster parent. The news was both exciting and daunting.
It would be several more months until they found a match (which has to be approved by the social worker, the child and myself) but then, there he was, standing on my doorstep.
I didn’t sleep much that first night, but mostly sat up listening out for Tom’s room and checking that he was okay. He didn’t sleep much either.
The next few days were hard; Tom cried a lot and didn’t want to get out of bed or eat anything, but I had expected this.
What I hadn’t been expecting, however, was that Tom was a long-term placement, meaning that he’ll be with me until he turns 18 – which I found out on the same day he arrived.
With short-term fostering, children are provided with a safe, loving home from anywhere between a night up to two years. With a long-term foster care placement, children stay with a dedicated foster family until they reach adulthood and are able to live independently – though, unlike adoption, a foster carer does not become the child’s legal parent.
When lockdown happened, he had only been with me for two months. It was incredibly daunting as Tom’s only real contact to his old life was school, and now he didn’t have that familiarity.
At first, it was also hard being together 24/7, but it actually ended up being a brilliant experience, as we got to know each other very well.
We did treasure hunts, made a nerf gun movie and dressed up like pirates. Tom is very cheeky and likes to play pranks on me, with unexpected whoopie cushions left around the house.
Once restrictions allowed, we took bike rides with the family, including my children – who have been very supportive – and my sister’s kids, who Tom now sees as his cousins.
It’s now seven months since he first moved into the house, and our life together is quite perfect.
There wasn’t a particular moment where Tom became my child, but now I assume he’ll be part of our family forever.
At first, it was also hard being together 24/7, but it actually ended up being a brilliant experience, as we got to know each other very well.
Of course, there have been some challenges.
Tom carries a lot of emotion around food. When we went shopping, I told him to choose things he wanted – but when I cooked them, they were either not done right, or if they were he got upset because it reminded him of a memory from his past.
He also tends to be a bit possessive over his meals, which I suspect is because there’s been a time in his life where there wasn’t enough of it.
I’m a vegan and Tom isn’t, so we’ve also had to compromise and I have learned how to cook meat, though he will eat my dishes too.
There are also unwritten rules in our house that Tom took some time to get used to, because he has never been set boundaries in that way before, such as that it’s not okay to walk in on each other in the bathroom.
Despite a few hiccups, it’s been a fantastic few months and the whole family loves him. My daughter has even taken some foster care classes with me to learn how she can better support us.
I couldn’t imagine Tom not being part of our lives now – I feel like the same way about him as I do my biological children. I’d be devastated if he for some reason had to leave us and I hope that never happens.
Being a foster mum isn’t easy, but I think it’s what I was always meant to do.
It’s so rewarding, and I hope to take on another child later this year.
You can find out more about Fosterplus here.
Name has been changed.*
As told to Almara Abgarian.
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