Jeremy Clarkson reckons `everyone will be sacked' because we live in a woke `minefield' and are `bound to tread on something that goes bang'.
The Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? host fears his own days are numbered because he will eventually spout something `deemed by the hysterical court of public opinion to be unacceptable'.
He said it was `really scary' for people who `still eat meat and use petrol and continue to share inappropriate jokes on private WhatsApp groups'.
"You're on borrowed time and soon you'll get a tap on the shoulder from the HR Stasi,'' he said.
"I speak often to my friends about this and all of them are frightened to death.
"They know that if they continue to eat and do and say whatever they've eaten and done and said for the past 40 years they're going to be out of a job.
"And even if they don't they'll still be out on their ear for having eaten and said and done it back in 1974.
"All we can do, then, in a world where you're guilty until proven innocent, and then you're still guilty, is tiptoe through life trying to get as much hay in the barn as possible so that when we're kicked into touch it's not completely the end of the world.''
The Grand Tour host listed a number of victims punished for upsetting the woke world.
They include cricketers who said `several years ago that girls who play video games get more sex than those who don't' and a Bulgarian swimming instructor who had a `full-on naked lady fight with her supervisor'.
"That doesn't sound a sackable offence to me at all,'' he said.
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He said US actor Armie Hammer was `toast' because it had `been decided' that many men in his family have a dark side and `he may be a cannibal'.
Actor Laurence Fox would `struggle to get work as the standard-issue useless husband in an ad for washing-up liquid' after suggesting on Question Time the `hounding' of a former Royal `had nothing to do with race'.
Newsreader Alastair Stewart was axed for `quoting Shakespeare to a Twitter user who turned out to be black', Asda till worker Brian Leach for `sharing a Billy Connolly sketch on his private Facebook page' and Baroness Nicholson was dumped from the Booker prize foundation for calling a transgender enthusiast `weird'.
Clarkson, 61, said non-celebs were at risk too.
"Don't think you're safe just because you run a shoe shop in out-of-the-limelight Welwyn Garden City,'' he said.
"One day you will ask a new salesgirl to make you a cup of coffee, and it'll be curtains.
"Then you'll lose your house, your wife will leave you, and your children, devastated by the break-up, will end upon the street sniffing glue and vandalising bus shelters.
"You don't even have to make the mistake of asking for a cup of coffee. The salesgirl only has to say that you did, and you'll get the same result.
"You may imagine that because you have a handle on all the current thinking and would never dream of saying or doing something inappropriate you are on safe ground.
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"But there will have been a time, back in the Seventies probably, when you didn't think to ask someone what pronoun they preferred, and when that oversight surfaces, it'll be P45 time.
"Or someone in the office will discover that your great-great-great-grandfather once sold a cat to a man who lived next door to Edward Colston.
"And then you'll have to be thrown in the harbour as well. For some time now I've harboured a worrying sense that soon everyone will be sacked, because all of us are in a minefield and eventually we are bound to tread on something that goes bang.
"Or we will be hit by shrapnel from something we trod on back when we were teenagers. The fact is that sooner or later I'll come here and say something that is deemed by the hysterical court of public opinion to be unacceptable, and that'll be that. I'll be gone.''
- Jeremy Clarkson
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