Jeremy Clarkson spent his luxury sunshine break gawking at giant randy tortoises go at it like porn stars.
The ex-Top Gear loudmouth, 61, said witnessing the reptiles’ eardrum-bursting banging in the Seychelles made it worth the "terror" of facing Covid tests to go on holiday.
He added: “I watched two giant tortoises having quite the most complicated sex you can imagine.
"Of course you can see this sort of thing on television, but while Sir Attenborough will tell you that the future of the giant tortoise is in danger because of climate change, what I learnt by actually being there is that, while it’s engaged in the act, the male makes exactly the same noises as male Germans do in porn films."
Jezza said he was left tearing out his hair by the process of having to submit to pre-travel Covid testing before his getaway at Christmas – then became convinced he was carrying the virus before he got the all-clear.
The host whined: "Now the authorities have a new terror.
A terror that turns your holiday into a faint pinprick of sunlight at the end of a mile-long tunnel filled with bureaucratic landmines and ‘Go directly to jail’ booby traps. The coronavirus.
"Last month I decided to go to the Seychelles for a few days, but, with Covid hanging in the air, I needed permission first.
"So I had to download a form and upload a link and drag an icon and input a PCR test result and open a PDF, and I couldn’t do any of it because I’m not nine.
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"It took me three hours to get to the point where it said I had to take a selfie and upload that.
And then, after I’d used swearing to achieve this, it said that the person in the selfie did not match the person in the eight-year-old passport that I’d submitted earlier.
"So I had to borrow some make-up and splash cold water in my eyes to make them shine and then get someone to hold back great fistfuls of spare skin and jowl while the selfie was taken, until eventually the computer agreed I was me.
"And so, for the first time in two years, I went to Heathrow.”
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But the presenter added the authorities would have to make travel procedures “a thousand times worse” before he gave up holidaying.
He said: "The world’s governments have done their best to make it as unbearable as possible, but as I sit here now, with yet another pipe-cleaner up my left nostril – to comply with some kind of bureaucratic passenger locator nonsense – I’m certain that they’ll have to make it a thousand times worse before I decide to stay at home in future.
"Because some things you just have to see for yourself. Except when it comes to tortoises. Those things, you have to hear."
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