MAUREEN CALLAHAN: Spoiler alert for Travis Kelce! Dating Taylor Swift may be more dangerous than any on-field injury… After this cynical, overly staged faux-mance, get ready for the forthcoming album about YOU
Why is Taylor Swift stuck on repeat?
In every other aspect of her life and career, the 33-year-old is a marvel of artistry, image control, and work ethic.
Her blockbuster ‘Eras’ tour dominated the summer and is on track to gross over $2 billion.
She is the most famous pop star on Earth – and cheers to her!
She’s a marketing genius who has made herself culturally relevant – dominant – for half her young life.
So why is she playing out what looks like yet another cynical faux-mance? One whose choreography seems clunky, overly staged and sadly juvenile?
Not since the summer of 2017, when Swift was photographed awkwardly hugging new beau Tom Hiddleston – himself in a deeply embarrassing, sodden, skin-clutching tank top reading, ‘I Heart TS’ – has one of her high-profile romances seemed so… pained. Stiff. Un-electric.
Why is Taylor Swift stuck on repeat? In every other aspect of her life and career, the 33-year-old is a marvel of artistry, image control, and work ethic. So why is she playing out what looks like yet another cynical faux-mance? One whose choreography seems clunky, overly staged and sadly juvenile?
Not since 2017, when Swift was photographed awkwardly hugging new beau Tom Hiddleston – himself in a deeply embarrassing, skin-clutching tank top reading, ‘I Heart TS’ – has one of her high-profile romances seemed so… pained. Stiff. Un-electric. (Pictured: Travis Kelce).
When was the last time we saw a burly pro athlete, a star of one of the most violent sports in America, reduced to making friendship bracelets and wearing a pastel denim game-day suit, evocative of a tween’s mall trip to Claire’s?
A suit oh-so-coincidentally named the ‘1989’ — you know, same as the album Swift is currently re-recording, due out in October. Now that’s corporate synergy!
Note to Travis Kelce: Dating Taylor Swift may be more dangerous than any on-field injury you could sustain.
Here was the two-time Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl winner in July, on the podcast he shares with his brother Jason – who plays for the Philadelphia Eagles, Swift’s home team, ahem – talking about his failed attempt to meet Swift after her show at Arrowhead Stadium (home of the Chiefs).
‘If you’re up on Taylor Swift concerts, there are friendship bracelets,’ Kelce said. ‘I received a bunch of them being there, but I wanted to give Taylor Swift one with my number on it.’
Dear lord. Why not just pass her a note in third period asking if she likes you?
Anyway, Kelce, also 33, was denied: ‘I was disappointed that she doesn’t talk before or after her shows because she has to save her voice… So I was a little butt-hurt I didn’t get to hand her one of the bracelets I made for her.’
Note the contradiction, as any Easter-egg-hunting Swiftie would: First Kelce said he passively ‘received’ friendship bracelets, then he said he ‘made’ them for her. Which is it? Because the image of a middle-aged pro footballer earnestly crafting homemade friendship bracelets for his latest crush is priceless. The stuff of Super Bowl commercials.
When was the last time we saw a burly pro athlete, a star of one of the most violent sports in America, reduced to making friendship bracelets and wearing a pastel denim game-day suit, evocative of a tween’s mall trip to Claire’s? A suit oh-so-coincidentally named the ‘1989’ — you know, same as the album Swift is currently re-recording, due out in October.
Picture it: Kelce, manifesting his new romance with Taylor by building a vision board, hearts and stickers and cut-outs of her all over it, then hanging it on his bedroom wall, just so; hitting ‘refresh’ on her website as he tries to score the very best Swift tickets; getting a backstage pass only to be turned away by security, forlorn as the little boy in the legendary ‘Mean Joe Greene’ Coca-Cola ad, trying everything to ingratiate himself until the superstar tosses off a sweaty jersey as a thanks and a keepsake.
By August we had an update – again, conveniently, on the Kelce brothers’ podcast.
‘We’re not gonna bring up Taylor Swift this episode,’ Jason said, bringing up Taylor Swift that episode.
The sizzling-hot topic: Kelce’s facial hair, which he grows during every training camp. ‘Something tells me she’s gonna like it.’
These ‘will-they-won’t-they?’ moments have generated more publicity for Travis than his 2016 E! reality dating show ‘Catching Kelce’ (cancelled after one season), his ‘Saturday Night Live’ hosting gig back in March and his Super Bowl wins combined.
Perhaps this romance-showmance is filling a hole left by the SAG-AFTRA strike. Nature abhors a vacuum and all.
Smash cut to Sunday night: There was Taylor come to life, in her signature lipstick, wearing red and white – Chiefs colors – cheering next to Kelce’s mom, roaring, ‘Let’s f***ing go!’ after he scored a touchdown, and generally over-emoting like a Real Housewife: The jaw-drop, the double thumbs-up, the inelegant chest-bump.
The chyron underneath identified Swift as a 12-time Grammy award winning artist. Shouldn’t that be enough? Why is she debasing herself like this? Chewing the scenery? Screaming in Kelce’s poor mother’s ear?
Remember, Tom Hiddleston’s mom was photographed with Taylor too. Less than three months later, that grand love story was over.
No surprise, then, that all the post-game footage of Kelce and Swift is so stiff and obvious: The two walking out of Arrowhead Stadium together, driving off in a convertible with the top down, the reports that Swift hastily cleared a nearby restaurant by paying every customer’s bill.
Yes, this all feels the stuff of genuine romance. The kind you protect in the early days, before you know if it’s probably going to work. As sacred and novel as Leonardo DiCaprio and his merry-go-round of models, turfed out once they hit 25.
On Sunday night, there was Taylor come to life, cheering next to Kelce’s mom, roaring, ‘Let’s f***ing go!’ But all the post-game footage of Kelce and Swift felt so stiff and obvious: The two walking out of the stadium together, driving off in a convertible with the top down, the reports that Swift cleared a nearby restaurant by paying every customer’s bill.
It’s not as if Swift doesn’t know how to keep a relationship private. Her most significant, with actor Joe Alwyn, lasted six years until their break-up in April. Whatever the cause, that remains confidential too.
‘It was not dramatic,’ a source told Entertainment Tonight at the time. ‘The relationship had just run its course.’ Not a single iota of dirty laundry has escaped either camp. That’s the work of a superstar who knows how to keep her personal life, when she wants to, private.
In Kelce, at least, she’s found someone who equally loves this kind of publicity.
‘It’s life, baby,’ he said on the Pat McAfee Show, revealing how he had invited Swift to watch him play. ‘I threw it out there. I threw the ball in her court. I said, “I’ve seen you rock the stage in Arrowhead, you might have to come see me rock the stage in Arrowhead and see which one’s a little more lit”.’
Spoiler alert, Travis: Swifties already know. Get ready for the forthcoming album about you.
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