‘So, what brings you to Tinder?’
It was the least inspiring opening line ever, but I surprised myself by replying.
I’d been single for almost two years and was feeling the pressure to get back out there.
I responded to him with extra sass, as my patience for dating apps had been wearing thin: ‘Well, use your brain. Why do you think a single woman would be on Tinder?’
Somehow, we managed to hit it off.
He was funny, we shared similar interests and he said he was confident and outgoing – all of which are important to me.
A clash in our schedules meant we’d been texting for around four weeks before we managed to get a date in the diary. By the time it rolled around, it felt like I knew him already.
A red flag appeared a couple of days ahead of the date, though, as he’d hinted at bringing an overnight bag because ‘we’re going to end up at yours anyway’.
However, I’d swiftly shut that down. I’d previously slept with people on the initial meeting, yet that hadn’t proven to be very effective as I was still single, so I wanted this time to be different.
He began whispering in my ear, begging me to put a sex toy in his bum
We met on a Saturday evening for Japanese food, a couple of craft ales and good conversation.
The night progressed and we quickly moved on to a number of bars before inevitably heading back to mine.
I had such a good time and didn’t really care that this was going to end the same way most of my other dates had. I felt like it had the potential to be a bit more serious.
Walking into my bedroom, he noticed I had a variety of vibrators and dildos in my bedside table. I’m quite open about sex, so I didn’t think twice about this – I even gave him a tour of the drawer.
Considering we’d been out drinking, sleeping together felt inevitable. It was going great, until he began whispering in my ear, begging me to put a sex toy in his bum (I believe this term is typically called pegging).
I have always said to myself that I’ll try everything once (within reason), so I did. And while I was up for it, I couldn’t help thinking about how fast we were progressing.
Despite him seemingly enjoying himself, it still felt really strange for a first date. Especially since previous ex-boyfriends hadn’t even discussed the possibility of this happening – and apparently only 10% of women have tried this with their partners.
Although it was strange that this had just happened, and we both acknowledged that, we moved on and continued enjoying ourselves.
After a week I’d received maybe one text, so I called him out
After we’d finished, he was enthusiastic about the experience. I felt a little odd as this was far from how I’d expected our first date to end, but I was glad to hear he’d had a good time – especially considering I definitely didn’t do it for my own pleasure.
But the next day, he expressed feelings of shame, mixed with humour. He made comments like: ‘Oh I can’t believe we did that, I’m so embarrassed’ and ‘I’ve never wanted to do that before, why did I want you to do that?’.
I couldn’t understand this change of heart as he seemed to really get into it in the moment.
I drove him home and we shared a McDonald’s in the car – romantic, I know. We were talking about our next date and how wild that might end up being, but I couldn’t shake the lingering feeling of guilt that I’d unsettled him.
He messaged me immediately after getting home, followed by general chit-chat about his day. It felt like we were back to normal, but slowly the texts became few and far between. Now I was the ashamed one. I felt used.
After a week I’d received maybe one text, so I called him out. ‘I know you feel strange about the pegging, but you have no reason to,’ I wrote. ‘You have every right to have different feelings towards me now, but please could you communicate that with me?’
He responded: ‘It’s the pegging. I just can’t ignore it, sorry’. I felt angry. I didn’t even suggest we try it in the first place!
Still, conscious of how it must still be troubling him and not wanting to make him feel worse, I responded: ‘That’s understandable, it was a strange experience for us both.’
Weeks, if not months, passed and he slowly tried to worm his way back into my life by responding to my Instagram stories. I’d give a cold reply, in an attempt to stop him from contacting me again, but he was persistent.
This continued for months until one day he, in veiled terms, asked me to peg him again. I felt like an idiot.
He was only trying to get in touch with me as he wanted to sleep with me. I angrily replied: ‘I know what you’re doing, I wasn’t born yesterday. Go and pester someone else.’
The entire situation really disheartened me, enough to give up dating for six months. I couldn’t face having hope that a relationship could develop again, only to be used to fulfil someone else’s sexual fantasies – while getting nothing from it myself.
Since then, dating has felt difficult. I no longer give someone the benefit of the doubt when they hint they’re considering sex early on, as this usually indicates that’s all they want from me.
I’ve also found myself being a little ruthless, cutting contact when there’s any even slight inkling of a red flag, which obviously isn’t going to get me much success on dating apps.
Ultimately I’d love to strike a balance of being less firm but also setting clear boundaries to protect myself from being used for someone else’s pleasure again.
Because it’s clear that while I was always trying to make sure his feelings were protected, he didn’t care about mine.
So, How Did It Go?
So, How Did It Go? is a weekly Metro.co.uk series that will make you cringe with second-hand embarrassment or ooze with jealousy as people share their worst and best date stories.
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