DEAR DEIDRE: I AM married but had sex last month with a guy I met on a dating site. I found him so attractive.
He said he wanted to meet again for sex but he never called me.
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I cheated because my husband was knocking my confidence and made me feel so low.
I am 45, my husband is 47 and our two sons are now grown-up.
I thought we were happy until last year, when I caught my husband looking at pornography. We were still having regular sex, so I kept wondering why I wasn’t enough for him.
He told me he was obsessed with another woman’s body and it badly dented my confidence.
I had a brief fling with an old friend to help me believe I was still attractive but he’s married and I felt too guilty to continue. I decided to go on dating sites.
My profile said I was looking for a relationship but the men were only interested in sex.
I never met anyone face to face until the guy last month. He was 37 and seemed different. I was honest with him and he was clearly keen on me. We met, had a lovely lunch at a hotel then went to the room he’d booked.
He was gentle and I felt completely at ease having sex with him. For the first time in ages, I felt wanted. He had my mobile number and said he’d call. I waited but he never got in touch.
Then, a couple of days ago, he contacted me through the dating site, very late at night, wanting to meet for sex.
I knew then he’d lied about wanting to get to know me better and start a relationship. He would have called my mobile, not contacted me through the site.
So he is like the others after all — just after sex. My husband has told me he no longer looks at porn but I don’t believe a word of it.
I feel driven to keep trying to meet someone to help me feel good about myself again. But are there any decent men out there?
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DEIDRE SAYS: Of course there are – but going on those sites multiplies your chances of coming across those who are only after no-strings sex.
Most men look at pornography sometimes. It is designed to be addictive and often plays into grim attitudes about women, but it sounds as though your self-confidence was easily shaken by your husband using it.
You had been happy together for decades yet you reacted by quickly having an affair.
Stop going on the dating sites. Apart from all the usual risks, casual sex now risks transmitting Covid-19.
Talk to your husband about how his porn habit affected you and explore what had changed in your relationship.
You can be happy again if you clear up misunderstandings and together act to rebuild trust.
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