DEAR DEIDRE: I HAD a fling with a younger colleague but now he is threatening to tell my husband and our work team all about our affair.
He says I will get what’s coming to me and I’m terrified.
I’m 46 and my husband is 48. We’ve been married for 22 years. He’s a lovely, kind man and we get on so well. We have two daughters, aged 19 and 17.
This younger guy joined my workplace two years ago and we became friends. He’s 35.
He used to join the rest of the team, who are mostly women, on nights out. He was really good fun and fitted in well.
We got closer and closer — then one night, after a few drinks, I went back to his flat for a late-night coffee.
The next thing I knew, he was leaning over to kiss me. I kissed him back and we ended up having passionate sex on his sofa.
We had an affair lasting six months which I now bitterly regret. It was as if I had turned into someone else during this time and I can’t believe I did it. I came to my senses eventually and told him it had to end, saying it was a terrible thing for us to have done.
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SOME of us seem to keep falling for the wrong type, getting hurt over and over.
Often, a troubled upbringing is the key.
My e-leaflet Finding The Right Partner For You can help.
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My lover said he understood and insisted he didn’t want to be a marriage-wrecker.
He now keeps saying he wants to be friends again but turns nasty when I say that won’t work.
He said I haven’t lost anything, as I still have my husband and family, but he is all alone so I’m going to pay.
He wants to tell all our colleagues and my husband. He says he’s suffering and I am not, but I am suffering too.
I can’t sleep because of the worry. It’s so stressful at work. We are all key workers, so there’s been no respite.
If I don’t talk to him or if he thinks I am ignoring him, he starts threatening to tell everyone about us.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Unless this guy is totally irrational, he knows he will gain nothing except disapproval for spilling the beans.
Stay calm and tell your ex-lover he is special and your affair meant a lot to you, to soothe his pride, but be firm that it is over.
Say you can’t remain friends because it is too close and uncomfortable, but of course you can maintain a civil working relationship.
If he keeps threatening you, get advice on your workplace rights through Acas (acas.org.uk, 0300 123 1100).
Encourage him to build a lively social life for himself, giving him a chance to meet a woman of his own who is free to be with him.
Then focus on your relationship with your husband. It is easy to take one another for granted.
My e-leaflet 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex will help you rediscover the thrills you can share at home.
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