Deep down I’ve known it for years, but it took me a lot of courage and work on myself to finally admit it: I am polyamorous.
For those who aren’t super familiar with the term — no, I’m not talking about having sex with every single person that comes my way — it’s the acknowledgement that I can create and sustain emotional and sexual bonds with more than one person at a time.
The feelings I have towards one person do not conflict with the feelings I have for another… or others.
But there’s a catch with my current situation: I have a boyfriend – and he’s a hundred per cent monogamous, and so is our relationship.
The first time I told him about me being polyamorous was far from a success, if I’m being honest.
We were in the queue waiting to board a flight to Dublin for our first weekend getaway together when we started talking about previous experiences and my not-so short list of sexual encounters.
I casually mentioned I saw polyamory as part of myself that I had recently accepted. My partner became instantly upset.
In his mind, there were instant red flags that our relationship would end up leading to a mindless sausage fest and a competition to see who would get the next exciting affair. That wasn’t the case.
I took the time to carefully explain to my boyfriend how it worked for me and how that wouldn’t change what was going on between us. After a lot of healthy and not-so-healthy talks where we would listen to each other’s needs and wants, we both agreed to be exclusive.
Does it come naturally to me? Maybe not. Was I forced to make this decision? Not at all. Am I just waiting for him to change his mind? Definitely not.
Polyamory as a valid alternative to monogamy isn’t new, but it’s certainly been gaining more traction in the mainstream lately, mostly among LGBTQ+ circles. For example, Tom Ford and his husband Richard Buckley previously said monogamy doesn’t come ‘naturally’ to them, while Younger star Nico Tortorella and Bethany Meyers previously described their union as a ‘queer polyamorous relationship’.
While it is true that I would enjoy a polyamory agreement between us and I would continue loving and appreciating him the same way while I bond with other people, it’s definitely not fair for me to impose a lifestyle and vision that my partner doesn’t feel comfortable with. Relationships are about consent, mutual understanding and compromise.
The love and support he gives me, plus the incredible connection and great times we have are certainly worth the compromise. It’s my duty as a lover and partner to respect my boyfriend the same way he respects my polyamorous identity.
I don’t have to be having sex with other people to express my polyamory. For example, we openly talk about how we feel attracted to other people and we enjoy sharing photos of cute people with each other.
At the moment, that’s the full extent of how my polyamory manifests and that may change over time – but I’m not counting on it.
I had an open relationship a few years ago with someone I cared a lot about. Looking back, I pushed for it for all the wrong reasons: seeking validation, trying to feel seen, wanting to try as many experiences as possible.
I learned a lot about myself, love and monogamy.
This ex wasn’t ready for something non-monogamous, but due to our long-distance relationship and my insistence, he gave in to have an open relationship in order not to lose me.
He struggled with himself a lot as I was blooming and going from person to person. He had asked to be fully transparent so we would tell each other everything, which was a big struggle for him.
The lowest point came when I started catching feelings for someone else. In my heart, it didn’t conflict with what I was feeling for my then boyfriend, but he couldn’t process it the same way.
That did a lot of damage to our relationship and that’s where my biggest regret lies. It was outside of our mutual agreement so I had to stop it. But that’s when I knew polyamory was an option for me all along, I just couldn’t see it before.
But the truth is: there is no perfect formula for alternatives to monogamy. It’s really a lot of trial and error and mostly having really, really good communication.
After all, a relationship is an agreement, a contract between two or more people to engage emotionally, sexually and economically.
Some people choose to take a template for this agreement and just run with it. While others opt to negotiate, to talk about it openly, asking from the very beginning things like ‘what works for you?’ and ‘these are my needs and these are yours, where can we compromise?’
What works for my boyfriend and I at this stage of our lives is to belong to each other and keep it only between us. So I can happily say I am a loving polyamorous person choosing to be monogamous for the love of my life.
I learned that I should be mindful of my partner’s desires and choices and to choose what to value — quantities of intimate connections or the quality of them. Today, I choose quality and I choose him.
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