Could an open relationship work for YOU? Real people tell Tracey Cox why they’ve ditched monogamy – including one whose regular threesomes with a close friend keep their marriage alive
- Tracey Cox has spoken to people who are in open and polyamory relationships
- The sex expert said polyamory heading towards being an accepted alternative
- Recent statistics reveal that nearly one fifth of British people are polyamorous
Would you have an open relationship?
Polyamory – having romantic and/or sexual relationships with more than one person at once – is on the rise.
Nearly one fifth of Brits are polyamorous and one in five people in the US report being involved in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their life.
Why? Blame dating and hook-up apps like Tinder, Grinder and Bumble – they’ve changed the way we conduct our relationships.
Sex is so easily accessible, younger generations place less importance on it.
Every generation knows monogamy isn’t a perfect relationship model: you only need to look at the divorce rate and number of people having affairs to know people struggle with it.
While it’s unlikely to become the new norm, polyamory is almost certainly headed towards being an accepted alternative rather than stigmatised, as it has been in the past.
Here, three people tell why open relationships and polyamory works for them.
Polyamory – having romantic and/or sexual relationships with more than one person at once – is on the rise (stock image)
I FEEL BROKEN IN A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP
‘I’m 30 now but I was 19 when I started to fully explore open relationships. I knew in my early teens that monogamy didn’t feel right for me.
‘I felt strong, romantic emotions for lots of people and I felt the same about them all, equally. It felt natural to feel for more than one person at the same time, rather than one at a time.
‘I knew there was a lot of stigma around polyamorous relationships – even now I have moments where social expectations challenge how I feel.
‘But it’s so ingrained in me, those feelings have always overcome any ‘Why are you doing this?’ negative ones. It’s so natural for me to love more than one person, how can it be bad?
‘I’m a straight woman so only have relationships with men. For me, it’s not about sex, it’s emotion. My motivation is probably 80 per cent emotional and 20 per cent sexual fulfilment.
Sex expert Tracey Cox (pictured) spoke to three people who chose to have open relationships
‘My main primary partner I’ve been with for a while but we don’t live with each other, even though we see each other every day. I also see another man who doesn’t want a committed relationship.
‘My primary partner and I are too busy to see each other enough to stay emotionally and sexually fulfilled: another reason why we see others.
‘I’ve tried monogamy a few times and something always feels missing. I feel broken in a monogamous relationship – it feels controlling. When I try to stay with just one person, I end up depressed and feel restricted.
‘I’m not sure why I’ve ended up poly. My parents are very happily mono. Nothing’s put me off monogamy, I just knew from a very early age that it wasn’t for me.
‘People think it means you can’t have kids but I think kids can work in poly relationships, it just depends on the dynamic.
‘Some will have one main father or mother and others will bring their kids up knowing multiple mums or dads. Bringing up kids in any environment as an adult means you have the responsibility to explain things when it’s age appropriate and educate them.
‘Sometimes I’m asked if I think one person will satisfy me. I think we evolve as we become older.
‘It is possible but, at the moment, I don’t think I’m at the stage where I’ll find someone and become monogamous. A good relationship is one where you accept and acknowledge each other for who you are.
‘Unless that naturally changes for me over time, I doubt I’ll just wake up and suddenly change my mind.
‘It’s who I am and I’m very happy being polyamorous.’
MY WIFE AND I REGULARLY HAVE SEX WITH MY CLOSEST MALE FRIEND
‘My wife and I have been together 23 years – since we were 17. The first time we had a threesome, we were about 23.
‘My wife admitted she liked a close friend, so I sussed him out and he was game for it. After a few drinks, my wife gave him oral sex, to make sure we were all OK with it, and we decided to go through with it the week after that.
‘We’ve never looked back. We mainly stick to close friends who are discreet and 100 per cent trustworthy.
‘We had one stranger we used to meet but he decided to contact my wife asking to meet her alone. She let me know straight away and that was the end of that. She never met him again.
‘We’re 37 now and have had threesomes with a close friend of mine for the last three or four years and it works well. We normally meet two or three times a month, all together. But sometimes he’ll come around when I’m not there: she’ll sometimes film it and send it to me.
Try at your own risk…
Open relationships come with a hefty ‘try at your own risk’ warning.
You need to be a certain type of person to cope with it.
If you’re jealous or insecure – don’t even think about going there. Obviously.
Don’t be forced into having one if you don’t want to. Hopefully that’s obvious as well.
If your partner wants to open up your relationship but you don’t, don’t. If they no longer want to be monogamous and you do, rethink the relationship.
Is this about love or sex? Some people are happy with their partner having sex with others but not getting romantically involved. Be specific about what’s allowed, what isn’t.
Set some rules. Who is or isn’t allowed as potential other partners? Some people draw the line at anyone in their social group. Are you going to tell friends and family about your lifestyle choice?
Be honest about what you’re doing. Don’t hide any encounters or relationships from your partner. You need immense trust and great communication to make it work.
Feelings change. Some couples start out monogamous, get bored and open up the relationship. Others go in the other direction. Your partner isn’t ‘going back on their word’ if they change their mind.
‘We do have other special occasions – probably three or four times a year. We slept with four friends at a festival in a tent, recently – the drinks were flowing and it just happened.
‘Last year, my wife and I were in first class flying to New York, and we ended up chatting to a stranger in the lounge because the plane was delayed.
‘There were only four people in the cabin. You’re given PJ’s in first class and it was easy for my wife discreetly ‘sit on his lap’ while I sat chatting to him. That was the most daring thing we’ve done.
‘Open relationships are more popular than people think. The majority of our friends are into it: we share pics and talk about it. We have two other couples where the women would love to try it but their male partners are having none of it!
‘Both our parents know. They saw messages because our tablets are connected to the same account.
‘I don’t think they approve but we’re at the stage of our life where we’re both old enough not to worry what others think. We’re all consenting adults: what’s the issue?
‘I have to say we haven’t had a single problem with it.
‘It’s just sex: no feelings, just fun! We used to have a rule of no kissing because it seemed personal but we agreed to try it a few months ago and we were all fine with it.
‘Having said that, I don’t think the average couple should try doing what we do. Jealousy would creep in and it wrecks relationships.
‘It works for us though. We’ve been together a long time, it turns us both on and we both trust each other 100 per cent.
‘We have four kids. It’s fun and extra excitement. You need it when you’ve been together for as long as we have.’
I WANTED TO EXPLORE AFTER A 12-YEAR RELATIONSHIP
‘I was 42 and I’d just come out of a 12-year relationship which was completely conventional. We loved each other and were faithful but we’d fallen into a rut sexually.
‘I wasn’t really to jump back into commitment – I wanted to explore. I suppose I could have gone out with someone and said I didn’t want to be serious, but I’d been reading a lot about open relationships and I was curious to see how it all worked.
‘When I first got with my partner, there was no Tinder or anything like that. Maybe I got a bit carried away with it all! But I’ve never been a jealous person and I’m not one of those people who believes there’s just one person out there, so I thought I’d give it a go.
Nearly one fifth of Brits are polyamorous and one in five people in the US report being involved in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their life (stock image)
‘I decided to look for someone who already had a partner and found a gentleman on Tinder. He made it very clear in his profile that he had a girlfriend and they were in an open relationship.
‘They lived together and she was seeing someone else as well. There was no hiding anything: I met his girlfriend quite early on -within two or three dates. It didn’t feel weird at all when I met her, in fact we got on really well. We went out a few times for lunch and dinners.
‘We didn’t discuss sex or anything and you wouldn’t know anything unusual was going on if you saw us all out in public. There was no hand holding or touching when the three of us went out.
‘I guess, like an affair, I got the best bits of him. I certainly wasn’t cleaning up after him or washing his socks. The sex was great – maybe because I was doing something ‘forbidden’.
‘There was a bit of nervousness over whether I’d fall for him and what would happen then. But I was dating other people as well.
‘After about a year, I realised there was more to life than sex.
‘His girlfriend had broken up with her other partner and he and I drifted apart because he was spending more time with her at home.
‘I told people at the time, that I was in an open relationship, and I was quite surprised at the negative reactions I got. I wasn’t expecting it: I thought people were more open these days, but they’re not. They were being protective of me, I guess.
‘I’m in a happy, monogamous relationship now but if something happened to break us up, I wouldn’t say no to repeating the experience.
‘I’ve never done a threesome or anything but I’m still curious about the concept of seeing more than one person at once.
‘My advice to other women who’d like to try it? Honesty and communication is vital. You have to be upfront and open from the start.
‘I think the hardest thing would be if you started developing feelings. I had a set criteria of what I was looking for: a relationship and sex with no commitment. Maybe that’s why it worked so well for me.’
Tracey’s new book Great Sex Starts at 50 is available from all online retailers, good bookshops and as an ebook. Her supersex and Edge product ranges are available from Lovehoney.
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