Trigger Warning: This post contains mentions of suicide.
In case you haven’t been up to date on the new music cycle, please allow me to inform you that your favorite pop enigma, Billie Eilish, has a brand new song out that is sure to break your fragile, little heart—and no, that is not an exaggeration. Billie has been teasing the song, “Everything I Wanted,” for quite some time, and now, the song is finally here and it’s ready to leave you sobbing in a puddle of your own tears.
Behind the song’s twinkling piano keys and wavering, melancholic synth instrumentals, Billie grapples with her sudden fame and opens up about a terrifying nightmare she had about committing suicide. Thankfully, it was just a dream, but it’s a painful reminder that Billie, despite her superstar status, is a human being that has her own personal experiences with mental health issues.
So before you go ahead and blast this song before the timely hour of sad b*tch o’clock, allow me to decode these lyrics for you so you can truly understand the way that Billie’s been feeling lately.
[Verse 1]
I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
Not what you’d think
And if I’m bein’ honest
It might’ve been a nightmare
To anyone who might care
You may not have noticed but Billie has always has a very strong relationship with dreams and sleeping. Her debut album is literally called, When We Fall Asleep Where Do We Go?, so it kinda goes without saying that her dreams influence her music…and this song is proof.
In an interview with The Fader, Billie explained the role that her dreams play in her life. “Dreams are a really intense part of my life,” she said. “I’ll go through a month where I’ll have the same nightmare every single night—a dream that’s so bad that the whole day is off, or a dream that’s so good that none of it’s true.“
Thought I could fly (fly)
So I stepped off the Golden, mm
Nobody cried (cried, cried, cried, cried)
Nobody even noticed
I saw them standing right there
Kinda thought they might care (might care, might care)
Here, Billie starts delving into the contents of her nightmare and confesses to the listener that she “stepped off the Golden”—aka San Francisco’s Golden Gate bridge—to commit suicide. And if that wasn’t already terrible enough, everyone’s in Billie’s life, fans included, could have cared less that she decided to end her life.
Billie spoke about the meaning of “Everything I Wanted” to BBC Radio 1’s Annie Mac, and said:
billie talks about the meaning behind “everything i wanted” (full interview at 7:30pm GMT on @BBCR1) pic.twitter.com/paX7aTRPoa
[Pre-Chorus]
I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
But when I wake up, I see
You with me
[Chorus]
And you say, “As long as I’m here, no one can hurt you
Don’t wanna lie here, but you can learn to
If I could change the way that you see yourself
You wouldn’t wonder why you’re here, they don’t deserve you”
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